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17 October 2006 @ 09:04 am
FIC: Silent Scream (SGA, McKay/Sheppard, PG-13)  
Title: Silent Scream
Author: chocmarsh
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Spoilers: None
Summary: "What'll you do when I die?"
Author's Notes: Written for stargateanon
Warning: Deathfic






"You know McKay, you should really learn to keep your mouth shut."

"What, and deprive the universe the opportunity to benefit from my brilliance? I don't think so."

"It's only brilliance if people believe in your ideas, otherwise it's just insanity."

"Did you just call me insane?"

"I just called you insane."




***


They all spoke to him of the silence. Every one of them mentioning how devastating it was: no longer hearing the constant rambling and ranting in their ears through their headsets. At first he thought people were simply humoring him, trying to help him through his own pain by mentioning something that was sure to make him act like the person hewas three months ago. He was wrong. It wasn't for his benefit they said these things, it was for theirs.

When Atlantis heard Rodney yell and direct and instruct, the city knew all would be well. Any problem would be solved, any error repaired, any danger neutralized; because Rodney thought aloud and if Rodney wasn't making a sound then Rodney wasn't thinking of away to save them.
***


Once, after a surprisingly simple and productive mission, Sheppard walked into the physics lab and found it bursting in seemingly uncontrolled energy with people running from one computer to the next while trying to not run into or over each other, their voices raised in anger, frustration, joy, all wanting to be heard before all others, and in the middle of it all he saw Rodney, yelling at people to shut up and think before they decide to blow up the city and pushing them aside when they got in his way. Rodney, whose smug look brightened his face in improbable ways.

Sheppard stood in the door for a few minutes and let Rodney's joy envelope him.
***


After 10 months of living on what had come to be dubbed 'Terra Nova,' Lorneannounced he'd be a father before the next winter set in. People were happy because they saw that yes, they could live a close to normal life in this bastardized version of Swiss Family Robinson, and they wasted no time in celebrating that fact, congratulating Lorne and the chemist he’d been living with for the past 5 months.

He couldn't celebrate though, not when he thought of how easy it was for Lorne to move, to forget the person he left behind on Atlantis when the city crumbled.
***


"Why is it your world does not acknowledge your relationship," Teyla asked. He bother pretending not to know what she was talking about.

"Not everyone, just, well...the majority of the people, apparently," He never was good at explaining Earth culture to her.

"Then why do some find it...distasteful, I believe is the word used by Elizabeth?"

"Religion," he answered automatically.

"Religion," she repeated, her voice annoyed and her gaze distrustful.

"Religion, “he answered again, remembering how painful those lessons were to learn and somehow she must have sensed the misery he was going through, because she hugged him then, silently offering what little comfort she could give him.

Never again did she reprimand him for his mockery of another world's religion and never again did he ignore her invitations to meditate. ***


The anniversary of Atlantis’ destruction would be commemorated with celebration honoring those who gave their lives for the city, or so Elizabeth announced after spending a week in deliberation with the village council.' A few people complained loudly that while the event did need to be honored it should be done so in a solemn way. The protesters listed the names of those left behind when the city crumbled, reminding them all of the horrors of that day, but Elizabeth used the most powerful name. John Sheppard, she said, gave his life so we could live. He spent his final moments thinking of a way to get more of the through the gate in time. He loved his city yes, but he loved his people more and he wanted them safe and happy. Happy, she repeated, because John knew there was no point in life if you couldn't enjoy it. John, she said, would want us to celebrate his life, and she was sure everyone lost to Atlantis would feel the same way.

Everyone eventually agreed with her.
***


Ronon found him five kilometers away from the camp and sat with him that first night on their new planet.
***


The day of the celebration, Rodney is approached by several people berating him for his lack of participation. They tell him they understand his bitterness but it’s time to let Atlantis rest. They tell him they understand the sense of loss over his friends, but he needs to honor Teyla and Radek and Sheppard and celebrate their lives. They tell him his aloofness on this is disrespectful to the city he loved, to the people he loved.

He wants to lash out at them. He wants to yell and scream and tell them all what he thought of the farce they were enjoying. He wanted to tell them the city wouldn't care if it was 'honored,' that the dead wouldn't care if they were 'celebrated.' He wanted to tell them John needed to be remembered every day, not just when he was a good excuse to get drunk, but he didn't have the energy for even that. Instead he walked back to the cottage he shared with Ronon and packed his meager belongings. Ronon watched him go without a word.
***

"What'll you do when I die?"

"I'll weep uncontrollably and scream curses to the universe at the top of my lungs until my throat hurts so much I wouldn't even want to breathe, much less eat, which will lead to my untimely, not to mention painful death. Which I guess your death would be the death of me and oh dear Einstein, I just became the heroine in a cheap romance novel. What the hell kind of question is that?"

"Sorry, it's just...my father remarried about eight months after my mom died. He never really mourned her, just kind of acted like she never existed in the first place and I just, I don't know, I guess I just wanted to know what you'd do."

"I'd be quiet. Don't look at me like that you know I'd be pretty lifeless without you."

"I know. Thanks."

"You're not welcome. So, what would you do to mourn me?"

"Oh, I don't know. Throw a party."

"Bastard."