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02 September 2009 @ 02:42 am
Life plans  
I've been doing quite a bit of soule searching, I guess would be the term for it. Well, its more finally making a decision on what I want to do with my life.

I decided to go back to college without knowing what I wanted to study. I just knew I didn't want to end up like my co-workers who hated their jobs but were stuck where they were because that was the best they could get. That was over a year ago and I'd yet to decide what it was I wanted to do with my life. Or rather, I knew what I wanted to do, but I've always been scared of taking the leap and going for it. My parents raised me to be sensible and go after what's safe and not after the risky things that would make me the happiest. And while that advice was great when talking to a 14 year old who's trying to decide which crowds to hang out with, they never made me feel anything other than miserable when trying to decide on a major or in a path for life.

When I was a kid, around 7-8, my sister introduced me to movies. I don't mean to say that was the time when I watched my first movie, I mean that she would take me to watch, or would rent, the little known flicks and foreign films. She would ask me questions and get me to start thinking about, and later on independently talking about, plot points, writing, lighting, directing, etc.... I remember staying up late at night going through two or three movies and always having a mini-chat session afterward.

I also remember wanting to go to film school all throughout my childhood, and then listening to my parents and deciding to be sensible. That didn't work out because I was miserable and confused and eventually ended so depressed I just gave up on life. Not as in 'hey let me off myself' but i gave up on doing anything. On being happy and I made choices that ruined any chances I had on a happy life. I kept sabotaging myself because I didn't want to end up miserable by doing something didn't want to do adn so I did nothing and made my self unhappy, just so I could feel something.

I had lunch with a friend I've known since I was 5, but lost touch with after high school. We were talking about future plans and she quite often mentioned how she wanted to study a certain field but was constantly told by one of her professors to "be real, what is (she) going to do with a degree in that. " I remember talking with her in high school about what she wanted to do and hearing her change her mind because of what her professor said, and then to find out said professor talked another half dozen students to switch major to what the professor wanted, didn't sit well with me. But I wasn't in any position to say anything. And then it really hit me. I wasn't in any position to say anything to her.

So, after doing some research, and spending some time contemplating what I want my life to be 20 years from now, and one very good talk with w0rld4vamps, I've decided to stop being a baby, face my fears and go for what I want. I might not get there soon, or down my preferred road, but I'll get there. I won't let myself give up. Not this time.
Tags: ,
Current Location: my room
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: Pual Dateh and Ken Belcher -Thank You Sarah!! :)
hinazukehinazuke on September 2nd, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC)
That's great! Its always tough to take that first big step into something unknown, but its really the most important. I can't believe I'm saying this but a quote from [Kamikaze Girls] that really stuck with me was "We are all weak in the face of happiness, because we don't know how to handle it" (or something like that), which in a way is true. We are forced to just "deal with life", that when life finally hands us the decision to be really happy, we're unsure of ourselves.
So, you've got my support 150% of the way! I believe you can do it cause of all the crazy plans we've managed to concoct and pull off that would have utterly failed without you. Make it happen yo. XD

*and I am VERY happy to see I have gotten you hooked on Paul Dateh and Ken Belcher. Have you listened to "Celtic Blues" (my fave)? He also has his album from download on his website. XD
Lupe: Shou-cosmicchocmarsh on September 2nd, 2009 05:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! It really means a lot to have you say that.

OMG yes, I saw that. I think I'll go buy his cd from cdbaby though, give some financial support.
Kim: Star Trek Quinto Hairhammil77 on September 4th, 2009 06:10 am (UTC)
I think it's very admirable you're going after something that will make you happy. So many people don't decide to do that until they're middle aged and have wasted so much time on being miserable.

Can I ask what area of film you're going in to?
Lupechocmarsh on September 4th, 2009 02:43 pm (UTC)
Thanks, I think I hit my mid-life crisis at 20. *shrugs*

Yeah, I want to get into writing. Hopefully in the Cinema and Television Writing program at USC, but I have backups in case that doesn't happen.
w0rld4vampsw0rld4vamps on September 6th, 2009 04:29 am (UTC)
It looks like I need to step it up a notch (or two) cause I haven't really gotten any response and it also wasn't the best place to inquire about what I'm looking for.. I'm going to have to start making some calls.. and write a few emails.. but you have a good start..

keep going...
keep going....
keep going...